If you know the story then you understand that dealing with conflict early on is good. OR you might have some, "unfinished business" to contend with...

Here are some “Tips for Preventing Conflict” strategies, for groups, that my buddy Alan came up with. By the way if you’re a group leader or pastor check out Alan’s website he’s legendary when it comes to group leadership.

Here are the things I would add to this.

• Before speaking with someone, ask yourself the question, “What will this do for me?”  Does it need to really be said or is it s pet peeve of yours?
• If you write better that you speak then write it out ahead of time but still speak in person to the individual.
• The gravity of what needs to be said will work directly in with how  much you are willing to track the person down.  If it’s not worth your time then it’s not worth being said.

Conflict is usually not a pleasant thing to go through but it usually is a good thing to deal with.

It’s like going to the dentist.  You put it off too long and then it’s going to hurt.  You will still walk away in better shape than when you came in but the effects of waiting usually make the situations a lot worse.

Preventative dentistry is the way to go and so is a preventative conflict attitude.

These scenes are from one of my favorite movies, which by the way if it is a half way decent western you have made it to my favorites list..

No big secret here.  If you have scene this flick you would notice that the character Kevin plays is all about intentional living.  Once he has decides to fight this thing out he knows none of the bad guys can survive.  In his own words to his boss, “I aint spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder!”  Now this is intentionality at it’s finest.

Once you make up your mind DO IT!

I mean I get the whole planning process and taking care of loose ends but geeeesh!  We lose so much momentum when we know we should do something and then we hem and haw about doing it.  Here are some areas where I see us as Christians blow it.

• “Should I lead a small group?”
• “Should I be in a small group?”
• “Should I serve in my church?”
• “Wondering if I should invite my neighbor to church?”
• “Is it safe to ask my co-worker over for dinner?”
• “Should I say something about a friends sin in his/her life?”
• “Maybe I’m the one wrong and I should apologize?”
• “Do I open my mouth at work and possibly risk job loss?”
• “Is it time to talk to my kids about sex yet?”
• “Is now a good time to pray?”

I don’t know what you are currently going through but for 90% of the time I bet for many of you your answer to the above questions need to be “YES”.  And probably if you are the one thinking, “Jody, you don’t understand.” Then you are wrong.  I wrote this for you.  I do understand so stop dragging your feet and DO IT!

The Church (Big C) needs more people that are ready to live with a sense of Intentionality.  You think God is speaking to you about something that’s a good thing?  Great, set your parameters for your prayer time/fasting, make the choice, and GET IT DONE ALREADY!

Not living with intent is like sailing a boat without a rudder.  Lot’s of action but no direction.  Jesus was intent on saving us and did not stray.  I thank God He lived that way.

By the way in the movie, the bad guys die, Kevin lives and gets the girl…

Know when to shut up. – As an ex-teacher I know that there is always the potential for a group leader to go rambling off on something they have learned or experienced.  I still lead groups and it is always a constant struggle for me to shut up and practice listening.  If we practice more listening and less talking we will find the common beliefs within the group and possibly help someone.  I’m not saying don’t share, just be conscious that group growth comes from group talk not leader talk.

Here’s what I mean.

• When you are introducing a lesson that’s your time to set up the conversation for the day.  Get what you need to say out of the way.  Then, sit back and listen.
• Practice asking open ended questions.  That means questions that produce conversation; “What do you think about that?”  “When has this happened to you before?”  “Where do you see this happening in your life?” etc.  We need to ‘see’ the thought processes.
• Notice how others react.  Did you see someone smile?  Was Betty Lou raising an eyebrow? Why does John keep checking his watch every time his wife talks?  This is another great way to get others involved in discussion.  Ask them what those actions mean.  Just be prepared for this is when it usually starts to get interesting.

At the end of a good group time most of the people should have felt like they contributed to the time.  As a leader it is our job to be the facilitator of these moments of biblical community.  People will grow closer to each other, which is what we want, when they get the opportunity to talk to each other in sincere ways.

Warning though…  This is does lead to confrontation sometimes.  That’s ok.  Confrontation is what causes us to doubt what we have always believed.  This opens us up to new ways of looking at sin in our lives.

This does not happen when we teach all the time.  Our verbal diarrhea let’s people hide behind their mask of quietness.

Practicing the art of knowing when to speak and knowing when to shut up takes time.  It can be frustrating (especially for us know it all people) but like any skill you will get better with time.

By the way.  If you need an outlet for teaching/talking try blogging.  Why do you think I am writing this?

• They actually thought about making an instant Latte drink.  Why should us regular coffee drinkers have all the fun?
• Then they were clever enough to put it where these fufu coffee people hang.
• The fact that it’s instant explains to people all you need is hot water to make this happen.  Don’t fret – no machine required.
• The spiffy blue packaging let’s you know it’s different than their other instant stuff and yet it also goes with many of the newer SB stores décor.
• The price is right to get you to pick one up.

So here’s why I am pointing this out.

As a church how doe we point out what we want you to do?  Use a bulletin?  Make an announcement from stage?  A weekly email blast?

How’s all that working for you?

What if we tried to think about what we want our people to try and strategically thought about its placement?

• Putting information in a high traffic area where they will stop and notice.
• Do we offer things at the right price?  Free means cheep but low cost is a bargain.
• Do we stick to one product and just make variations of it?  Think ministries as compared to a variety of small groups.
• Put thought into packaging.  The rest of the world does this for the sake of attractiveness so should we.  Neon colored paper is soooo out guys.
• Is it easy to do?  Are there multiple steps to it or is it one stop shopping, as in signing up for a class or getting involved in serving.
• Can you create a culture/environment for the people that like to browse?  Most sales are done on impulse buying.

In times where nothing is certain in our economy we should be ready to embrace some changes.  What can you start doing today to attract the attention of your people?

Leadership can and most usually is a difficult task.  It is simply not a process of giving commands but getting people to do what is needed.  A part of leadership is to help one’s people accomplish the goals that are set before them.  But there can be a multitude of reasons why this doesn’t come off so well.

People are flawed and will usually error on the side of what’s easier for them.  One of the things that will separate a good ‘spiritual leader’ (pastor, elder, deacon, small group leader, etc.) is the ability to discern what’s worth the effort.  They should have the ability to take in what they believe God’s will is while taking out their personal wants and interests.

Joshua, the leader that took Moses’ place, was facing a dilemma of trying to get his people to see what their God given path was before them.  As usual they couldn’t see the same things Joshua was seeing.  Check out this passage and notice his leadership technique.

14 Then the people of Joseph spoke to Joshua, saying, “Why have you given me but one lot and one portion as an inheritance, although I am a numerous people, since all along the Lord has blessed me?” 15 And Joshua said to them, “If you are a numerous people, go up by yourselves to the forest, and there clear ground for yourselves in the land of the Perizzites and the Rephaim, since the hill country of Ephraim is too narrow for you.” 16 The people of Joseph said, “The hill country is not enough for us. Yet all the Canaanites who dwell in the plain have chariots of iron, both those in Beth-shean and its villages and those in the Valley of Jezreel.” 17 Then Joshua said to the house of Joseph, to Ephraim and Manasseh, “You are a numerous people and have great power. You shall not have one allotment only, 18 but the hill country shall be yours, for though it is a forest, you shall clear it and possess it to its farthest borders. For you shall drive out the Canaanites, though they have chariots of iron, and though they are strong.”

Joshua 17: 14-18 ESV

Technique – Restate the Obvious.

Now here’s why I think he did this or here’s the possible intention behind his words.

• I am one of the last surviving people from the Exodus.  I have seen God do the impossible on multiple occasions.
• This project/task is not based on your limitations but it is based on God.
• God has promised, actually entered into a covenant that He will deliver this land to us to dwell in.
• Lastly, I have confidence in you…

Sometimes we need to restate the obvious.  Upon hearing/seeing a vision from God repeatedly, the future will begin to sink into our heads now.

For a topic as big as this there is not just one answer. BUT, I do think that there are two parts to discipleship that have been missing in the Church that have been staring at us right in the face.  These two parts were mentioned more that once by all the different people that posted.

I am going to tackle the first one now.  In all of the discussions there was an element that had to be present for any discipleship to work at all.  Whether that was a group or a class.

It is the personal involvement of one believer in the life of another.  This we can call Personal Discipleship. It is not relying on a program or system to better someone but an individual that works in part with the Holy Spirit.

I was reading a blog the other day that talked about a difference between mentoring and coaching.  Both parts are uniquely different according to that article but both parts are needed in Personal Discipleship.

Let’s look at mentoring as one half of the personal discipleship mentioned above;

Mentoring is the act of putting time & effort into someone.  Most of the time this is more for their benefit and not yours.  Although, as it pertains to a Christian life it will benefit them, you, the church and those around them.

• Mentoring is giving of oneself to build up another individual.
• It can cost the mentor up front with not much visible potential for a return.
• It’s like investing though, because you expect some type of return.
• Even though you may expect a return ‘don’t’ always expect to see it for yourself.
• There is no set periods of time for mentoring because everyone learns differently and has different needs.
• Mentoring increases your capacity to love because it causes your empathy skills to develop.

Who have you been mentoring lately?  Where have you benefited from this type of relationship?  What does this look like for the church (big C) in general?

We will hit the second part of this later this week. Have a great Monday!

Been reading Deuteronomy and just about finished up.  I am at the end of Moses’ life and at the beginning of Joshua’s term as leader of Israel.

Moses, possibly the greatest prophet of all time.

Had a great upbringing.  As Pharaoh’s son he had a great education, good food, fun, and maybe not an easy life but a secure one.  Little did he know that not too far away his family and people were living in slavery under horrible conditions.

I think about how at early middle age he had his conversion.  He saw the injustice of his people and when he acted out of anger he killed an Egyptian gaurd, fled the country and lived as a Shepherd for 40 yrs.  God found him, confirmed a conviction in his heart and sent him to free his people.

He got them out of Egypt by miracles performed by God.  Combated continuous idolatry by the people. Gave them the law (not just the 10 commandments). Lead them in battles against hostile city-states. Begged God not to kill the Hebrews when He had just about had enough. Then at the end of his life at 120 after 40 years of service was not allowed into the promise land because of past sins.

This leader of leaders had a rough life………….right?

Well, when you think of it he got a 1/3 of his life living as a prince and another 1/3 being secluded and left alone as a shepherd.  About 80 years of peace and quiet…

Yep, it’s all about perspective you see.  We associate with they guy.  We’re like, “Common God, that’s harsh.”  But how quickly we forget about the 80 yrs of being left alone and doing what he wants.

As leaders, I hate to say it, we like to complain.  We have a tendency to be like, “Woe is us…”  In reality it is a privilege and honor to serve God. We are not owed anything by God.  The fact that we live and breathe is because God blesses us with another day.  That is called grace freely given.  Doing works for earthly rewards is not too smart.

Next time you think about what a rough time you are having keep it in perspective.  Especially if you are a leader.  I venture to say that your life hasn’t always been rough.

One of the traps that we as leaders fall into is that we think feedback is usually negative or I should say ‘corrective’ in nature.  I know we all think we can do things better but the key is in delivery.  What’s that look like for you?  You see I really do think for most things I can critique people to be better.  According to StrengthFinders 2.0 3 of my top 5 strengths are Strategic, Maximizer, and Arranger.  I was made to help people get better at what they do.  Now the thing is how do I do this without seeming like a ‘know it all’?

By the way, to be a great coach you don’t necessarily have to be better at something you just have to know  what to look for.  Take for example this guy.

Meet Nick Bolletierri.  He was Andre Agassi’s first major coach and by no means could he play better then Agassi but he knew how to coach him.  So how do you do that?

I am not really sure.  I have never coached a world class athlete.  But I have gotten the chance to speak to and share with influential people.  Here’s what comes to my mind.

1. You have to be more concerned about the individual being successful than you looking good.  It’s about what they are accomplishing as the player not what you’re doing as the coach.  Good coaches like the thrill of winning (so do I) but great coaches like to see players develop.  Of course in things like sports you have to LOVE both or you get fired.
2. You have to practice the art of Positive Reinforcement which means to change behavior by using positives and not negatives.  You should be giving 9 positive comments for every 1 negative one.  Want to see behavior change?  People like to here positive comments and you will make them want more if you practice it.  You a parent?  Try it with your kids and see what happens.
3. Ask permission to coach.  As in, ask them if they would mind a comment.  Then give them a few positives and save the negatives for later.  They will want your feedback then and when it is time for the negative they are more apt to listen.
4. Listen to the critiquing of themsel.  Most people have poor self image.  Part of your job as a coach is to get people to believe that they can accomplish things.  If they are a Christian this is not false self esteem but the power of the Holy Spirit that makes all things possible.
5. Only begin to push after you have developed influence in their lives. No one is going to listen to you much if they think you don’t care about them.  By the way that makes #1 a whole lot easier.
6. Make sure you celebrate their successes and empathize with the losses.  If you care about them you will genuinely love it when they win and you will hate it for them when they screw up.  Sometimes when their self-worth gets shaky the thought of you caring about them goes a long way.
7. If you happen to be their leader as well make sure you put them in the game so you can see how they do.  If you spend too much time prepping your people they will lose momentum.  People want to get in the game so give them opportunities.

Lastly if you are a leader the best way to coach is to use the standard model for Discipling.  I am going to share the format now but we will talk about it at another time.

• I do, you watch
• I do, you help
• We do together
• You do, I help
• You do, I applaud

When discipling our people they need you to coach them.  They need that calm reassuring voice that believes in them.  They need to know that mediocrity is not acceptable because God expects our best.  They need the relationship to be there as well because they need the evidence of a caring God in their lives. They need to be coached because that’s what’s going to make the church better.

If you are a leader start coaching with grace and strength.  It takes a strong person not to let your desires get in the way.  Those you disciple can be what God has called them to be if you will coach them to win the game they were called to play.

Enjoy the process…

Now STOP!  If you are reading this and have not read the other writing please go back and click on the picture and read it first…

I just thought it was kind of eye opening to see how people in positions of power, whether that is government or business, will use the emotions of the public to get us to do things.

Why do people do this?  Because they know that people REACT to situations instead of THINKING about them first.  They are likely to get you to decide to take a course of action based on emotional responses rather than rational thinking.

Acting out of emotions has no lasting effect.  We will react to a situation and when it is done the emotion tends to die out.  Often times we are left with the thought of, “I shouldn’t have responded like that.” This happens all the time in our private lives. For example.

• “Wow, they are hot!  I need to get together with that person.”  Emotion of lust passes and we are left with guilt, remorse, maybe a VD, or a crushed spouse.
• “That’s it I have had it!”  We let anger build and it explodes on everyone.  It destroys friendships, relationships, and family members.  Worst case scenario puts us in jail.  By the way Anger is a secondary emotion that masks other things.  Don’t justify reacting out of anger because half the time your angry because of your expectations not being met.  That’s half your fault…
• “I have got to have that now.”  Greed comes in and gets us in financial trouble.  The thought of not having it consumes us and we spend money we don’t have to get it.  By the way money difficulties is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce.
• “Nobody cares and I probably deserve it anyway.” Depression is a crippler.  When we allow this to control our lives nothing never looks good to us.  The more we go down this road the more everything looks bleak.  Leads to a dependency on medication, destruction of relationships and possible suicide.
• “Oh my gosh, what if it doesn’t work out the way I want it!?” Anxiety is the new depression.  More and more people are diagnosed with this everyday.  It causes all kinds of medical problems along with all of your relationships impaired. Forget about working, becuase it just adds to the whole mess.

One of scriptures simplest lessons is this.

19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.  James 1 19-20 NIV

If you let your emotions control you it will always lead you down the wrong path.  Now, relating solely out of rational thought (think Spock from Star Trek) isn’t always good either, but that is a topic for another day.  God built the two to be used together.

Good Thinking + Right Emotions = God Honoring Actions

This is the follow up from a previous post from last week Leaders, it’s ok not to call the shots. In that piece of writing we discussed that it was ok, sometimes, to allow our people to make the decisions over our best judgments as the leader.  Why? Because  sometimes they are the ones equipped to do the work.  We cannot be the experts in everything.  It comes down to knowing when to trust and let go.

As I said in that previous post pastors can have an easier go at this when we accept the fact that God sends us those that are equipped to do the work of ministry.  Then we can get the next benefit of this scenario.  We have an opportunity to take a step back, observe, and coach.

This is the sweet spot that we all should be looking for no matter what you do.  Look for those opportunities where you get a chance to encourage one of your people while giving them the positive feedback that they need to get better.

Now the kicker is nobody likes an overbearing, always cutting down, it’s never good enough, coach. Nobody wants to play for this guy. The only thing he’s good at is seeing how it wasn’t done his way. If you would have done it his way it would have come out better, right? I mean for that matter they should have done it in the first place. Why are they trying even to coach you?  It becomes a waste of time.

"What do you mean you thought!?"

Unfortunately, these folks were probably coached or parented by the same type of people.  They become byproducts of what was done to them.  As pastors, if that is how we are, we need that c#$% out!  Our staff / volunteers probably get enough of this out in the  real world.

By the way, as a parent, it is always easy to point out where our kids mess up but it is soooooo hard to point out when they are doing right.  The difference is this.  As a parent you are called to make them a better person for God not you.  They are not to be mini-me’s but to be mini-Jesus’s.  That means they will look different than you.  So correcting them to do things your way is not always the best thing.  Correct them in the right ways of God and they will become who they are destined to be.

This is the same way we need to treat all those that fall under our care.  As pastors we are helping people develop into what God has called them to do.  If they always do what we want them to do then it’s going to end bad because we are still messed up sinners. We don’t know all the answers and we don’t always make the best calls.

Stay tuned later this week for the practical side of coaching as in what does it look like.